For want of a Rope
by Enzonia
Summary: AU tag for 5x09. When Mordred came down the cliff to help Merlin and Arthur, he might have forgotten a very important piece of equipment. And so the three of them are stuck at the bottom of a cliff with nothing to do. Arthur wasn't sure if he wanted to commit homicide or suicide. However, after Gwaine had arrived, he was definitely eaning towards murder.
1. For the want of a Rope

Arthur probably should have known better. When did any mission they went on _ever _go smoothly? Was it was too much to hope for them to get to the Cauldron of Arianrhod without any mishaps? And of course, Merlin had managed to fall off a cliff. Wonderful. He had just regained consciousness to find himself at the bottom of the cliff himself, after climbing down to rescue Merlin.

In hindsight, he probably should have used the rope.

In some ways he was glad that Merlin wasn't awake yet, because Merlin would be unbearable about the whole 'forgetting the rope' thing. Then again, if Merlin did finally wake up, he could get Arthur's arm out from underneath this bloody rock so they could get up to Gwen before she woke up.

He tried again to push the rock on his arm off, but it refused to budge.

"Merlin!" Arthur called, giving his manservant a small kick to try and wake him up. Merlin remained immobile.

Arthur had to admit that the sight of Merlin lying still and quiet was unnerving. Normally he was talking mindlessly about the 'funny feeling' he had about the mission they were on at the moment. Luckily Merlin didn't seem to hurt by the fall, though it was hard to tell from the rock he was still stuck under.

He pushed at the rock again, but it refused to move.

Trying not to scream in frustration, he shifted onto his front in case that magically made the rock lighter.

"Arthur!"

Arthur could have cried out in relief. Standing at the top of the cliff was Mordred, looking happy to see them, which was nothing to the relief that Arthur had. He wanted to get moving again and (though he wouldn't tell Merlin) check that his bumbling servant was OK. First though he had to make sure that Gwen was still asleep, or this whole journey would turn out to be utterly pointless.

"Check on Guinevere!" he called up.

"I already have sire!" Mordred yelled back down, glancing back to what Arthur assumed was Gwen's unconscious form. "She sleeps soundly!"

Arthur exhaled loudly, glad that they could still get to the Cauldron and fix Gwen. All was not yet lost.

"I'll just climb down to help you then!"

Arthur's eyes snapped open. "NO! Just throw the rope down!"

But it was too late; Mordred had started to descend down the sheer cliff. Maybe it would be fine. Maybe Mordred wouldn't fall like they had. Maybe if they were lucky…

But since when was luck ever on his side?

Mordred slipped and tumbled down the cliff like a rag-doll, bouncing off the small ledges that were dotted across the cliff. Arthur winced as Mordred landed at the bottom with a loud 'CRACK' that echoed across the gully. A loud yell of pain told Arthur that nothing too vital seemed to have broken.

"Are you OK?" Arthur asked anxiously, trying to keep the frustration out of his voice.

"I think that was my leg" Mordred called back, and Arthur turned towards the sound. Mordred was pushing himself into a sitting position about 3 meters from where Arthur was, massaging his left leg with a pained expression on his face.

"Do you think you could get this rock off me?" Arthur asked, as Mordred glanced at Merlin's still unconscious form. Mordred made as if to crawl towards Arthur, but his leg gave out beneath him and he fell forwards with a small yelp. He pushed his chest off the ground and shook his head sadly. Arthur didn't bother to keep the annoyance out of his frustrated yell. He really did have the worst luck in the world.

"Is anyone else coming?" Arthur asked hopefully, but Mordred shook his head.

"I didn't know where you were going. I thought it might be some sort of secret so I didn't tell anyone." He glanced towards Merlin. "I suppose we'll just have to wait for Merlin to wake, and then he can get your arm free."

Arthur gave Merlin an apprehensive look. Everything relied on Merlin waking up.

They were doomed.

* * *

"Urrrggg…"

Arthur looked away from the side of the cliff, where he had been counting the different types of moss for some warped version of fun. Hopefully that groan meant that Merlin was finally waking up. He shifted onto his side so he could see Merlin, and the odd scuffling sound nearby meant that Mordred was probably doing the same thing.

"Merlin?" Arthur asked, as Merlin tried and failed to sit up. "Are you OK?"

"Yeah, fine" Merlin gasped in a voice that most definitely did not sound 'fine'. He pushed turned towards Arthur and Mordred, eyes widening in surprise and something else as his eyes rested on Mordred.

"Where did Mordred come from?" He asked, turning towards Arthur with confusion on his face.

"I was the rescue team" Mordred said wryly from the ground. "We've been waiting for you to wake for half an hour."

Half an hour? It had only been 30 minutes? Well, that had definitely been the most boring 30 minutes of Arthur's life and Arthur had been in council meetings about the quality of brass before. Some of those older council members could be incredibly tedious when they wanted to be. Which seemed to be all the time. He did spend most of his time in those meetings active avoiding eye contact with certain people in case they took it as a signal to engage him in conversation out of Round Table meetings.

Merlin turned away from Mordred and looked at Arthur, turning quickly into 'concerned Merlin' when he saw Arthur trapped under the rock.

"Are you OK?" he asked, as he struggled to push himself upright on an arm that appeared to be broken.

"I'm _fine_" Arthur said "Apart from the massive _rock_ that's pinning me down to the ground."

Merlin rolled his eyes and finally managed to struggle into a standing position, clutching his am close to his chest. He made his way towards Arthur and bent down over the rock which was still pinning him down.

It took 10 minutes of futile grunting and pushing for Arthur to realise that Merlin was not going to be able to push the rock off with a broken arm.

It took another 5 minutes for Arthur to stop shouting loudly about this.

"Well, I guess we'll have to wait for one of the Knights to come looking for me." Mordred said, as Merlin sat himself down on a rock opposite the one still on Arthur. Mordred had pushed himself mostly upright and had propped himself up on his arms. "That should only take a day or two; Gwaine's expecting me in the tavern this evening."

Arthur let his head fall back out of exasperation. Even if she was still asleep at the moment, she'd definitely be awake by then, and Arthur wasn't too sure how she'd react when she saw him lying helpless down here. She was still enchanted to kill him, wasn't she?

There was a silence.

"So…" Merlin said awkwardly "Did anyone remember any food?"

* * *

"I spy with my little eye…" Mordred said slowly, glancing around at his surroundings "something that begins with 'M'"

"Is it 'Mordred' again?" Merlin asked, as Arthur resisted the urge to smash his head repeatedly against the cliff's rocky wall.

"Yeah. OK, your turn"

"I spy with my little eye… something beginning with 'M'"

"Is it me?"

"No."

"Is it… moss?"

"Nope."

"A maniac?"

"No."

"Moon? Men? Mud? Monkeys?"

"No, no, no and no."

"What about-"

"IT'S MERLIN!" Arthur yelled. "NOW SHUT UP AND LET ME BROOD IN PEACE!"

One second of silence.

"I spy with _my _little I, something beginning with 'C'…"

"Clotpole?"

"Yes!"

* * *

"…And _that's _why I keep treating you oddly Mordred." Merlin finished.

"So a creepy old man in a cave told you that I was going to kill Arthur, and you just believed him?" Mordred asked incredulously.

"It sounds so much worse when you put it like that" Merlin mused, while Arthur stared at him incredulously, the same as he had for the last 5 minutes as Merlin had finally revealed why he mistrusted Mordred.

"And you didn't tell me this _why?_" Arthur asked, as Merlin shifted about uncomfortably. Mordred had managed to push himself over to the cliff and had been leaning on it for support for the last 30 minutes. At least they'd finally stopped playing I-spy. If Merlin had named one more object starting with 'M'…

"I didn't really want to tell you that I'd just seen you die" Merlin said "Do you really think you would have taken it well?"

'No' was probably the correct answer, but Arthur wasn't going to tell Merlin that.

"Well, I haven't got any plans to kill Arthur at the moment, if that's what you're worrying about." Mordred said.

Merlin muttered something under his breath that Arthur only caught a few words of. And the few words that he did hear just confused him.

"What do you mean 'stupid Dragon'?"

* * *

"Knock, knock"

"No"

"Come on Arthur, it's not that hard, just say 'Who's there'"

"No"

"Knock, knock"

"Merlin, shut up"

"Fine then. Mordred, what about you then? Knock, knock."

* * *

"Merlin, you should count yourself _extremely_ lucky that my arm's still trapped under this rock or I might strangle you!"

"I've only ever used it to help you, and you have no idea how dead you'd be if I didn't have magic! I've been protecting you with my magic since I came to Camelot!"

"Merlin, I'd advise waiting for Arthur to calm down before you use magic to move that rock."

* * *

…

"I spy with my lit-"

"IF YOU START THAT GAME AGAIN I WILL THROW THIS ROCK AT YOU, POWERFUL WARLOCK OR NOT!"

* * *

"Merlin, can't you just heal my arm?"

"I suck at healing magic Arthur; otherwise life would be so much easier for me"

Arthur groaned again. Typical. Merlin turned out to be good at something for once, but it was completely impractical. Merlin had managed to magic the boulder off his arm, but had been unable to heal Arthur's arm. So all three of them were still trapped at the bottom of the cliff. Joy.

* * *

"So wait, am I the only person who _doesn't _have magic down here? Why didn't you just tell me Mordred?"

* * *

"I see that I didn't even need to be here for you to get yourself into trouble."

Arthur groaned loudly. Just when he thought his crap day couldn't get worse, the universe went and made his evil half-sister appear while he was injured. Great.

"Morgana." Merlin said, looking up as to where she was standing up on the cliff ledge, peering down at them all with her trademarked smirk still on her face.

"Ah, Merlin" Morgana said, turning towards him. "I've been meaning to-AHH!"

Morgana had taken one step forward, perhaps to make some sort of ominous gesture, but instead had stood on a wobbly rock which had flown out from beneath her foot and sent Morgana flying backwards and off the edge of the cliff. She slid down the cliff face and landed on the ground next to them, her head hitting a rock as she did so.

"Morgana?" Arthur asked cautiously, as Mordred poked her with his unbroken leg.

"She's unconscious" Mordred said, turning to Arthur as Merlin rolled his eyes.

"That's the fourth person who's fallen off that cliff.' He commented, looking up at the cliff in question.

When Arthur got out from underneath this rock, he was going to put a fence along that cliff.

* * *

"Merlin, where did that dragon come from?"

"Ah. _That _dragon"

* * *

"Arthur? What am I doing here?"

Gwen's voice echoed down the cliff, full of confusion, fear and trepidation. Arthur wasn't sure whether that was a good thing or not. On one hand, she was still brainwashed to kill Arthur, and he was still lying helpless down here (though less helpless than he thought, considering his latest revelation over Merlin and Mordred's abilities.

Gwen's face peered over the edge of cliff.

"Gwen, we're trying to help!" Merlin called up, but Gwen was backing away from the edge, as if she was preparing to run away.

"By _kidnapping _me?" Gwen yelled, "Why would I- wait, is that Morgana? And a _dragon?_"

"It's hard to explain." Arthur called up "Gwen please! Look at me and tell me that you don't love me, look at me!"

Gwen had stopped moving now, and was standing at the edge of the cliff still, unsure of whether to run or not.

"Don't you remember what you told me the night I asked you to marry me?" Arthur asked, desperately trying to get through to her. She wasn't anywhere near the Cauldron of Arianrhod, but maybe she didn't need to be. Gwen froze.

"With all my heart" she said in a whisper that still managed to carry down to Arthur.

Arthur quickly turned to Merlin, who was still trying to heal his arm with little success while the dragon Aithusa flew around his head, looking far less terrifying than she did the last time Arthur saw her in the caves. "Will this work?" he asked, but Merlin just shrugged.

"Gwen?" Arthur asked again, as Gwen kept staring down at the four of them (five if you included Aithusa).

"Arthur!" She said, in a much more gentle voice than before. "Are you OK?"

"Fine!" he called up. If he still had the full use of both of his arms, he'd be punching the air right now. So the mission wasn't completely pointless. He'd learnt valuable information about Mordred, Merlin had _finally _told him that he had magic, Morgana was currently unconscious and he had a dragon. Well, Merlin had a dragon, but he was sure that he could force Merlin to let him borrow her for a bit.

Gwen looked anxiously down at them, as though she didn't believe that Arthur was OK for one second. Her eyes roamed over Arthur and his mangled arm, Mordred with his still broken leg, Merlin who was still trying to heal himself, Morgana's unconscious form and Aithusa who was flapping around them.

"You're a terrible liar Arthur" Gwen said, as Arthur shrugged. "You need help!"

"Yeah, probably."

"Wait a second; I'll just climb down to you…AH!"

"No! DON'T-!"


	2. -of Some Sanity

**I actually have plans for another chapter or so, just random plot bunnies which I can merge into a MASSIVE MUTANT PLOT BUNNY! :O**

**Anyway, I'm going to pop off and watch the new episode of Merlin now. Enjoy!**

* * *

"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with 'M'"

Arthur glared at his three other (conscious) companions at the bottom of the cliff. Since Gwen had fallen down, Arthur's frustration levels had reached dangerously high levels, and he was currently prone to throwing small pebbles at Merlin's head whenever he opened his mouth to talk. Merlin had responded to this attack by starting a new round of 'I spy' as revenge. Arthur had to admit that he was rather surprised at the range of objects that Merlin had spotted at the base of the cliff, though he still doubted that the pale yellow flower growing between two nearby rocks was called the 'Prattus' flower. Merlin had insisted that it _was _a real flower, and as Arthur wasn't playing the game, his objection was irrelevant anyway.

"…Morgana?"

"Uh huh. Gwen, your turn."

"I spy with my little eye… something beginning with…-**GWAINE**!"

"Gwen, you only choose one letter, and anyway, there is no - _GWAINE!_"

There was a loud 'thump', and a rather dusty Gwaine landed in front of them, along with a small pile of dislodged cliff. Gwaine looked around at them all in mild bemusement.

"I could have _sworn _the ground was further away a few minutes ago…" Gwaine mused.

"Gwaine? Where did you come from?" Gwen asked, glancing up at the death-trap that was the cliff path.

"I'm not entirely sure" Gwaine admitted, looking up at the cliff himself "But I _think_ I might have wandered off a cliff."

"He was looking for me, I think" Mordred told Gwen "I said I'd go to the tavern with him"

"Well at least this means we can finally get out of- Gwaine, are you _drunk_?" Arthur asked, as Gwaine burped loudly with breath that had a distinctly alcoholic smell to it.

"I was looking for Mordred" Gwaine said defensively "We said we'd go to the tavern, but he didn't show up so I went looking for him. I checked the tavern first. Very thoroughly."

"Do you think you could climb up to the rope?" Arthur asked quickly, trying to get a word in before Gwaine began to regale them with another of his drinking stories "because we've been trapped down here for hours, and it's starting to get dark now."

Gwaine looked up at the cliff pensively for a couple of seconds, frowning in concentration before he finally answered. "Probably"

Arthur grinned in obvious relief, but Merlin was looking slightly put out. It seemed to Arthur that Merlin had been enjoying himself immensely ever since he'd tumbled off that God-forsaken ledge, especially since Aithusa had arrived. Not to mention the fact that Arthur had (mostly) forgiven him for using magic under his nose for more than 5 years. Merlin looked happier than he had done in years. _'Then again'_ Arthur thought, internally smirking _'We'll see how happy he is when he cleans the stables when we finally get back, because if he hadn't fallen we wouldn't be in this whole mess_ _in the first place'_

Arthur turned to Gwaine, who still hadn't moved towards the cliff and the rope. If anything he looked like he was making himself comfortable on the rock he was sitting on.

"Are you going to get that rope or not?" Arthur asked after about 2 minutes of waiting.

"Not"

"Wait, what?"

"You look like you're having a party down here, and I wouldn't want to miss it!" Gwaine said with a shrug, pulling out his pack and searching inside it for something while Arthur glared at him. "Look, you've got Merlin, Mordred and Gwen, not to mention that Dragon. And I think that's your psychotic half-sister over there. Why would I want to leave?"

"Did you bring food?" Merlin asked. Gwaine shook his head, instead withdrawing a bottle of something that could probably kill a horse.

Arthur glared up at the cliff-of-doom as he laid back against the cool cliff face. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

"No. If you begin I spy again, I will banish you from Camelot."

"Didn't work last time" Gwaine said with a grin, "And when Gwen was banished, she came back to Camelot as a Queen"

"Arthur, stop sulking and come over to the fire" Gwen said, gesturing to an empty space beside her. Mordred and Merlin sat opposite her, fervently discussing magic with Gwaine occasionally butting in to ask whether he could ride on a flying Unicorn or make mead out of thin air.

"There _is _no fire" Arthur pointed out, pointing at the very _not _on fire lump of rock the four of them (minus a still unconscious Morgana) were sitting around.

"Not a problem" Merlin said with a smug smile at Mordred, which Mordred returned. "Mordred, if you could do the honours."

"_Forbearne_" Mordred said, gesturing at the rock which promptly burst into flames. Arthur stared at it like it had broken the laws of physics (which it probably had – he was pretty sure that rocks were not naturally flammable.) Unable to think of a reason to stay sulking by the cliff, he walked over to the fire and took his seat next to Gwen. Although it was nice to be in the company of friends who were definitely _not _trying to kill him for once (apart from Morgana of course) Arthur wished they could be back in Camelot.

Suddenly, and idea struck him.

"The Dolma!" he shouted, causing Merlin to jump slightly "You could call her with your magic telepathy thingy, and she could help us."

Merlin shifted awkwardly under Arthur's gaze, who immediately became suspicious.

"How do I put this…" Merlin said "There is no 'Dolma'. I was going to pretend to be her to heal Gwen."

Arthur stared slightly at Merlin, who was looking back at Arthur apprehensively, probably wondering why Arthur was staring at him.

"Let me get this straight." Arthur said slowly "You were going to dress up as a woman."

"Yes…"

"In a dress"

"Ah" Merlin said, suddenly catching on to what Arthur was saying.

Arthur smirked at Merlin "I always said you were a girl."

* * *

"Urrrrrrg…"

"Not to alarm anyone, but I think Morgana's waking up." Gwaine said, looking at the feebly stirring form of the High Priestess on the ground nearby.

"That's not good, is it?" Mordred asked.

Morgana moved once more, and blearily began to open her eyes.

"Where am I?" she asked, turning her head. She froze as she saw her nemeses in front of her, casually sitting around a campfire.

She staggered to her feet, anger in her eyes. She sneered down at them, as Arthur glanced at Merlin, wondering whether he could take her down. The small grin Merlin sent him was as good as a yes.

"What a pleasant surprise" Morgana said, apparently not noticing Merlin and Arthur's silent conversation. "I don't even need to go looking for you, do I? You'll just wander straight into trouble yourself. And now I have you right where I want you."

She looked down at them, eyes narrowed somewhat, maybe wondering why the hell they were still sitting down, apparently unconcerned about her. Then again, she didn't know about Merlin and Mordred.

"So _arrogant_, thinking that you can beat me, a High Priestess of the Old Religion. I have taken Camelot twice before, and they say that the third time's the charm, don't they?"

Morgana took a step forward "This time, Arthur Pendragon, I think I'll take my-" _SMACK!_

Arthur watched in mild amusement as Sir Leon landed on top of Morgana in mid-rant. Merlin raised an eyebrow.

"It's _literally_ raining men."

* * *

"10 Red Knights, standing on a wall. 10 Red Knights, standing on a wall! And if one Red Knight should accidently fall, they'll be 9 Red Knights, standing on a wall. 9 Red Knights-"

"Merlin, please, for the sake of my sanity."

"Fine. Fine."

"…"

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall; Humpty Dumpty had a great fall…"

"_Mordred!_"

* * *

"Merlin, can I keep Aithusa?"

"Gwaine, people can't 'keep' Dragons, and anyway, I _am _the last Dragonlord, and I need to protect the last of the Dragons with my life. Do you really think they'd be safe if I let you anywhere near them? They'd be covered in litter and tinsel within about 5 minutes."

"Wait, you mean there are more Dragons apart from Aithusa?" Arthur asked, looking up at the happily chirping Dragon playing around his head. "I thought I killed the last Dragon, apart from Aithusa obviously."

Merlin shifted about in a way that made Arthurs (already rather high) suspicion levels shoot up.

"About that Dragon… When I told you it was dead…"

* * *

"No Gwaine, you cannot ride Kilgarrah. Apparently he's 'not a horse'."

"I'd be careful!"

"Would you?"

"Maybe…?"

* * *

"Merlin, if you had to let one of us ride Kilgarrah, who would it be?"

"He'd probably burn you alive if he ever saw you Mordred, he keeps telling me to kill you before 'the seeds of Camelot flower' or whatever symbolism he's using this week… he'd end up killing Gwaine out of sheer irritation, and he wouldn't ever stop prattling on about Arthur's destiny. Oh, and I _definitely _don't trust him near you, Gwen, in case he decided that you were going to throttle Arthur in his sleep or something… so… Leon then."

"Me? Why?"

"At least if he threw _you_ off, you'd still survive."

* * *

"And then _I _said" Arthur paused dramatically while Merlin rolled his eyes "The pool… is _abstract!_" Merlin mouthed along as Arthur finished his joke.

"Princess, that joke isn't funny."

"Shut up Gwaine, _you _try to tell a better joke." Arthur said, rounding on Gwaine.

Gwaine cleared his throat and put down his bottle (Arthur had no idea where Gwaine kept getting them from. Merlin had refused to make any more after Gwaine had vomited on him about half an hour ago.)

"_Fine_ then. Ok, a nun, an elf and a drunk walk into a bar…"

* * *

"And then _he _says 'oh, so that's _not _where you put the arrow then?!"

Gwaine looked at them expectantly. Merlin's mouth was hanging open, showing the look of horror which Arthur currently felt. The same expression was mirrored on all his companion faces. Apart from Mordred, Leon had clapped his hands over Mordred's ear the moment had started to tell his joke, muttering something about the 'sanctity of youth'. Mordred just looked confusedly around at the rest of them.

Gwaine hummed slightly as Arthur tried hard to rid his brain of the mental images only Gwaine could create.

"So, want to hear another one?"

"NO!"

* * *

"Do you think the cliff's cursed?" Gwen asked, as a small rabbit landed on Arthur's head with a small squeal.

"I don't think so" Merlin said, glancing upwards "I can normally tell when something's cursed."

"You mean your 'funny feelings'?" Arthur asked, thinking of all the times the newly-discovered warlock had told him that he had a bad feeling about something.

"Mostly" Merlin replied "But most of the time those funny feelings are just caused by common sense. I mean, _really? _Do you purposely try to get yourself killed? Because you have done some really stupid things while I've been in Camelot. It's a wonder you managed to survived all those years until I arrived."

Arthur opened his mouth to respond, but was stopped by a look from Gwen.

"And so why do people keep falling off it?" Leon asked in an attempt to get the conversation back on track

"Perhaps everyone's just _really_ clumsy as well as oblivious…"

* * *

"Nice of you to drop in Percival" Gwaine said, as a loud 'thump' announced the arrival of yet another falling Knight. Percival didn't respond.

Probably because he was unconscious.

Arthur closed his eyes out of irritation. Everyone else had gone to sleep, and guard duty had fallen to Gwaine and Arthur.

Arthur wasn't sure if he wanted to commit homicide or suicide.

"Great" Arthur said dourly, looking at Percival's unconscious form "Is the rope invisible or something? It's almost dawn and we're_ still_ stuck down here!"

"We're having fun!" Gwaine protested "Look, Merlin made me marshmallows!"

He waved a handful of marshmallow temptingly in front of Arthur. Arthur glared at him.

"The only reason I'm not getting up to hit you is because Gwen's fallen asleep on my shoulder." Arthur told him, as Gwaine swallowed the marshmallow whole. "Otherwise…"

"Got it"

Arthur looked up at the lightening sky.

"What're we going to do if even more people turn up?" he asked.

Gwaine smirked suggestively and opened his mouth to reply.

"GWAINE, IF YOU SAY A WORD, I WILL SHOVE THAT MARSHMALLOW SO FAR UP YOUR ARS-"

"Arthur?"

Arthur looked down to see Gwen opening her eyes blearily. He smiled at her, before turning to look at Gwaine and giving him a death glare that would make any sane man scream for his mother. Gwaine just grinned lazily at him.

"What's wrong with the clotpole?"

Arthur turned to send his glare to Merlin instead, but to his surprise saw that it was _Mordred_ who'd said the 'c' word.

"Merlin, stop being a bad influence on Mordred!"

The 'bad influence' yawned and stretched slightly. "I've taught you well, Mordred."

Arthur muttered incoherently under his breath, the words 'Merlin' and 'Stab' coming up alarmingly often.

He really didn't get enough credit for _not _being a violent psychopath.

* * *

"I spy with my-"

"I WILL PERSONALLY _RIP _THOSE 'LITTLE EYES' OUT OF YOUR HEAD IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP, AND _THEN _WHAT WILL YOU SPY? HUH? THEN YOU'LL SPY _NOTHING! _NOTHING **EVER AGAIN!**"

"…"

"Well, someone didn't get enough sleep last night…"


	3. -of Some Food

**Tangential will probably not be updated for a week or so, due to a mixture of exams and stomach bugs. However, have some 'For Want of a Rope'! Enjoy!**

* * *

Arthur had learnt something new today.

Two was company, Three was a crowd, but _Nine_ was three badly chosen words away from an octuple murder-suicide.

_Two _words if one of the nine people happened to be Gwaine.

* * *

"So _do _we have anything to eat?"

To the surprise of no-one at all, it was Gwaine who brought up the subject of food first. Apart from occasional complaints from Merlin, the whole topic of 'hey guys, we might actually be starving to death here' had been largely ignored. Now that Gwaine mentioned it, Arthur _did _feel quite hungry. It had been, what? A day since Merlin had started a trend and slipped off the cliff. A day was definitely long enough to start feeling hungry.

"Merlin?" Arthur asked, turning towards him expectantly. Merlin looked back in exasperation.

"If I remember correctly, it was _your _job to bring food." He pointed out "Not mine"

"Couldn't you just use your magic?" Leon asked hopefully, but Merlin shook his head.

"Last time I tried to make food with magic, I almost ended up getting beaten to death by a carrot… it's a long story" he added quickly, as Percival raised a quizzical eyebrow.

"Anyone else got anything to eat?" Arthur asked hopefully.

Of _course. _No-one had thought that this three day long journey would require food. Great… just great.

"Hang on" Mordred said, reaching for one of the (many) bags Merlin had brought down with him when he fell. "I thought I saw something in here when I was looking for the water bottle… wait a second… got it!"

Mordred withdrew his hand from the bag triumphantly, before placing his prize on the (previously on fire) flat rock that the seven of them were huddled around. It as a small, slightly furry, chunk of _something_.

Arthur eyed it apprehensively, his first thought being that it was some small, vicious magical creature created by the old religion to take vengeance on him, before realising that this affront to nature itself had probably been created through Merlin's inability to properly clean the bag out between quests.

"And what… _is _that?" Gwen asked, peering at the object in mixed parts disgust and confusion.

"It was definitely cheese last time I checked" Mordred said slowly. He bent over it and sniffed it, before pushing himself away, gagging slightly. "Yeah, it's still cheese"

Arthur looked at the 'cheese' with a level of suspicion he usually reserved for his relatives.

Everyone stared uncertainly at the cheese for several seconds, before Gwaine slowly stretched his hand towards it. Leon grabbed his forearm before he could reach it, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Gwaine you don't want to eat _that_." Merlin told him, picking up the thing between his forefinger and thumb, nose wrinkled in obvious disgust "this thing looks pretty close to gaining _sentience_"

Merlin hurled the hunk of cheese away, where it bounced at least two feet into the air, its momentum carrying it past a sleeping Aithusa and an unconscious Morgana, coming to a rest on an outcrop of rock at least 50 feet away, where it laid still, looking deceptively innocent.

"I never want to see Edam again in my life" Mordred muttered, looking slightly ill.

"I think that might have been Emmental…" Gwaine said wistfully, looking longingly at the cheese.

"At least we never have to see that particular piece again" Gwen said reasonably "It's not like cheese can _move _or anything."

"You know, I think that Emmental might have been beginning to…"

* * *

"So we _still _don't have anything to eat?"

"I could cook something" Gwaine said brightly (it was never a good sign when Gwaine said anything brightly. It either meant that he was planning on doing to do something _extremely _stupid, or he _had _done something incredibly stupid and was trying to soften the blow of explaining why half of Camelot was painted bright pink and covered in glitter.) "With the moss and mushrooms here, how hard can it be?"

"No" Arthur said flatly "You are _not _cooking. The last time that happened you ended up setting the soup on fire."

All people who had been present for the Great Cock-a-Leekie Fire the previous week shuddered at the memory, while Gwen gazed curiously at Gwaine.

"How do you set fire to something that's 99% water?" she asked.

"Gwaine managed to find a way" Leon said despairingly "Gwaine _always _manages to find a way."

"You say that like it's a bad thing" Gwaine said with a pout.

"It _is _a bad thing"

Arthur glared at the steadily rising sun as Gwaine started a very loud and very irritating argument with Leon. Percival was not-so-subtly backing away from the two of them, slowly edging his way in the general direction of _anywhere that wasn't near Gwaine_. His stomach gave a loud rumble which was sadly _not _loud enough to deafen the sound of Gwaine's voice.

Well, if it came to the worst, they could always eat Gwaine.

* * *

"Merlin, I'll eat that piece of fur pretending to be cheese _only _when pigs fly"

Merlin sighed.

"I'll eat it" Gwaine offered "It looked mostly edible"

Leon, unofficial babysitter to Gwaine, sighed in exasperation.

No matter how much Arthur would enjoy seeing Gwaine choke to death on some poisonous cheese (and trust him, he would enjoy it), Arthur thought it would be somewhat irresponsible of him to let Gwaine eat some food that had its own mini-ecosystem growing on it. He was about to forbid Gwaine from going near the food, but was interrupted by an odd mixture of sounds. A squeal, the sound of rushing air and then a loud SPLAT. Arthur watched in bemusement as a small pig cartwheeled off the cliff, doing some rather spectacular flips as it did so. It hit the ground and moved no more.

Gwaine looked slowly from the pig to Arthur.

"When pigs fly…?"

"Shut up Gwaine"

* * *

"Arthur, what are you doing?"

Merlin's uncertain voice cut through the sound of bubbles and Gwaine's voice. Arthur sighed (or he made a sound that was as close to a sigh as you could make whilst your head was underwater) and withdrew his head from the large pot of water he had stuck it in.

"I'm trying to drown myself" he replied through gritted teeth, before re-inserting his head into the pot.

He could practically _hear _Merlin's confusion. In fact, he _could _hear Merlin's confusion, because _no_, he couldn't just leave Arthur alone when Arthur was obviously busy doing something.

"You do know that there's only an inch of water in there?"

Arthur removed his head from the pan again. He'd discovered it in one of Merlin's (many) bags, and had been unsuccessfully trying to drown himself for the past half an hour.

Gwaine could be _really _irritating when he put his mind to it.

"Yes" he replied shortly, before plunging back into the water.

So far the only thing he'd achieved was that his nose was slightly cleaner than normal.

"Which pot?"

Arthur _yet again _pulled his head from the pot, trying hard not to throw it at Merlin's head. Couldn't he be left to drown himself in _peace?_

"The brown one?"

A cough which was a mixture of supressed laughter and _un_suppressed laughter stopped him from his next attempt.

"You mean the brown one with suspiciously browner bits?"

Arthur ignored Merlin, and shoved his head forcefully back into the water, coughing slightly as something soft caught in his teeth. Even under the water, Merlin's voice still carried clearly over to him.

"That's the toilet bucket."

* * *

"No Merlin, we are _not _playing truth or dare."

"Fine then."

…

"I spy-"

"Merlin, I have a sword, and I know where you live. Shut up"

* * *

"Foooooooooooooood!"

"No Gwaine, it's _mine_!" Merlin clutched the tomato protectively to his chest, while Gwaine desperately made grabby hands in the direction of it. Where Merlin had found a tomato, Arthur for the life of him didn't know, one moment Merlin's hands were empty, then suddenly he was holding a tomato. It was like magi-

Right, all-powerful Warlock. That probably explained it.

"Gwaine" Leon said patiently, "Leave Merlin's tomato alone"

"But foooooooooooooood!"

"Gwaine…"

"What the-? Aaarg!"

Gwaine made a desperate dive for the tomato, sending Mordred flying in his attempt, while Merlin's eyes just widened as Gwaine came flying towards him.

"No! GWAINE! GO AWAY!"

In the resulting scuffle, Arthur discovered that Gwaine knew more swear words than anyone else he knew, and that Merlin could be exceptionally vicious when tomatoes were involved. Merlin was literally holding Gwaine back at arm's length, while Gwaine frantically groped at the food. With a yelp, Gwaine was freed, as he kicked Merlin hard in his _other _tomatoes. Arthur winced in sympathy as Merlin groaned in pain, giving Gwaine the opportunity to dive for the fruit.

There was a soft 'thwith…' noise, as Gwaine seemed to nick the tomato's artery, and tomato juice sprayed out from it, coating Merlin's face.

Merlin closed his eyes once, and opened them again, and Arthur had the strange suspicion that he was trying very hard not to explode Gwaine into thousands of tiny pieces. He had to admit that if _he _had the power to do that, Gwaine would have been disintegrated long ago.

"You… you killed my tomato" Merlin said slowly, as Mordred and Percival slowly backed away from him. Gwaine smiled uneasily at him.

It was surprising how scary Merlin could look when he had pieces of tomato gut plastered to his face.

"It was only a tomato…"

Suddenly, there was a small *pop* and Gwaine vanished, replaced with a small tree.

"Did you just _kill _Gwaine?" Percival asked cautiously.

"I think I turned him into a tree…" Merlin said "Hm, that's something new. I haven't done that before."

"Can you turn him back?" Gwen asked, watching the tree sway in the breeze.

"Probably" Merlin said, and he began to raise his hand to perform the spell to return Gwaine to his normal form.

His very annoying, normal form.

"Wait!" Arthur said quickly, causing Merlin to lower his hand. They all turned towards him, and he looked pleadingly up at them. He hadn't had a moment's peace since Gwaine had arrived, after all "Can't we just… just leave him like that for a couple of minutes. Please? Just a minute or two!"

It took nearly an hour for anyone to bring up the topic of returning Gwaine to normal again.

It took twice that amount of time for Merlin to actually perform the spell.

* * *

Surprisingly, it was Percival that started it.

When Gwaine had finally been returned to his normal (if highly irritating) state, he had stayed quet for just under 2 minutes before he had opened his mouth to say something that would probably take several years of intense therapy to get over. While everyone gave Gwaine murderous looks, Percival actually did something mildly constructive.

"Well that's just _tree_mendou_s_…" he muttered.

Gwaine closed his mouth again. Everyone turned to stare at Percival, and Arthur saw Merlin's face split into a slightly evil looking smile.

"Would you say…" he said slyly, leaning forward "that you've _stumped _Gwaine?"

The evil grin Merlin was wearing slowly began to grow on Arthur's face too.

"Do you think he's _twigged _yet?" Arthur asked, gesturing at Gwaine's (currently moping) face.

"I don't know" Mordred said seriously "but I do know that his _bark _is worse than his bite"

Leon gave an exasperated sigh. "Could we act a bit more maturely please? We're Gwaine's _fronds_ after all…"

"_Oak-ay, yew _guys" Gwen said from beside Arthur "_Leaf _him alone"

"Three in one" Merlin said approvingly "Very punny indeed Gwen"

"Thank you Merlin"

"I was turned into a _tree_" Gwaine complained from the corner he was currently sulking in "It was a highly traumatic experience. Would it kill you for a little sympathy? You're just making fun of me!"

"Aww, we've made him into a Weeping Willow" Mordred said "We're sorry for making _pun _of you."

"He's _pine_ing"

"Maybe you should go and pack your _trunk_"

"Stop it, or I'll have to call the _copse_"

"These jokes really need to _branch _out."

This continued for a good few minutes, and from that point onwards, whenever Gwaine looked like he was going to contribute anything to the conversation, all they'd have to do to shut him up was make a vaguely tree-related pun, which would send him back into a sulk.

It was pure bliss.

* * *

"Hang on, was that a Blue Box flying by overhead?"

* * *

Night was approaching fast, unlike any sign of help whatsoever. Leon and Gwen were discussing how _they'd _take over Camelot if they had the chance (they were currently talking over the method they'd use for their immortal army), while Mordred and Merlin had joined forces in an attempt to beat Percival at arm wrestling, but were still managing to lose badly. Arthur had started a new hobby of glaring darkly at anything that breathed.

Maybe he could start a post-apocalyptic diary, so when their bodies were finally discovered, people would know what they had gone through (Arthur didn't expect that they'd make it through without someone being beaten savagely to death with the toilet bucket, especially since Gwaine was no longer sulking).

Then again, who'd want to read about _this_?

Well, there were some pretty insane people in Camelot who might actually _enjoy _reading about how he was driven to murder by Gwaine.

'_A Story of Rope and Insanity' _he thought _'The tale of how a loyal and rather attractive King was pushed to murder…"_

Gwaine had started singing again.

Now _that _sounded like a post-apocalyptic diary entry.

* * *

"Look!"

Arthur resisted the urge to look, as the last time he _had _glanced in the direction Mordred had indicated, Merlin had stolen his sword and refused to give it back for over an hour.

'_Mordred used to be so polite…' _Arthur mused inwardly _'Before he became friends with Merlin._'

Now Mordred was a mini-Merlin-in-training, complete with lopsided grins and 'clotpoles'.

"Really Arthur, look!"

Arthur glanced warily upwards, keeping one hand on his sword in case anyone tried to steal it, unsure as to whether Merlin had managed to corrupt Gwen too. He wasn't sure whether Merlin had convinced her to come over to the 'Arthur-is-a-prat' side yet.

"Sire!"

Yet _another _person was standing (ominously) close to the edge of the cliff. Arthur vaguely recognised him as one of the Knights he had sent on a solitary scouting mission a couple of days ago. Magneto or Marcus or something.

"Sir Magnum!" Leon called up at the Knight, who was carrying several bags oof what Arthur hoped was food and rope. The Knight took a step forward, and everyone at the bottom of the cliff (apart from Merlin, Mordred and Gwaine, who seemed to be _enjoying _this somehow) held their breath. The Knight didn't fall. Arthur breathed out loudly.

"Stop!" He called up. Magnum did so, looking thoroughly confused.

"Just… throw the rope down" Arthur called "It's really slippy up there!"

The Knight nodded and opened his bag, withdrawing a long length of rope from it.

"Now throw it down."

There was the sound of rushing air as the rope landed on the ground.

Arthur resisted the urge to sob.

"You were supposed to _tie _the rope to something _first_" he said through gritted teeth.

"Could you pass the rope up to me?" Magnum asked.

"What do you think?!" Arthur yelled.

Magnum cocked his head to one side, the effort of actually thinking taking up most of his mental processing.

"I know!" Magnus announced "I'll climb down and get the rope!"

Leon groaned and turned away, while Merlin passed Gwaine some money (had they been making _bets?!_) "Just don't… don't accidentally fall!" Arthur said, not really expecting that Sir Magnum would actually make it down in one piece.

Magnum looked at Arthur.

"Don't accidentally fall?" he asked.

"Don't accidentally fall." Arthur repeated.

Sir Magnum gazed thoughtfully at the cliff. "Don't accidentally fall…" he muttered quietly to himself. "Don't _accidentally _fall…"

And so, Sir Magnum leapt off the cliff.

His bags separated from him as he fell, his body landing in a very plot-convenient hole which swallowed him whole.

"Where do you get your Knights from?" Gwaine asked incredulously "Do you select them for their natural stupidity or something?"

"At least we've got food" Gwen said, trying to be optimistic about the situation "At least his death wasn't in vain… much"

Arthur weighed up what the food had cost them. A couple of days' worth of food verses the life of one of his Knights who seemed to view his own stupidity as a positive attribute. Was it really worth it? It only took him a couple of seconds to come up with the answer. Yes, it _was _worth it.

Completely.

* * *

And thus, another character was pointlessly tossed off a high object by the almighty Author, just to resolve a plot point.

After all, it _was_ what Stephen Moffat would do.


	4. -of the Facts

**New chapter! I finished all my exams (except sciences) yesterday, and so I should be able to get a Tangential up finally. I might have to download the iPlayer video and destroy my internet connection (it's so distracting!) but I should be able to get it done! Also, would anyone read a Doctor Who/Merlin crossover? Because it's one of the many things I have plans for. Until then, have some irritated Arthur!**

* * *

_Day 3, Night is approaching fast. Percival succumbed and ate the cheese, and has yet to regain consciousness. Mordred and Merlin are taking it in turns to levitate Leon whenever he looks away, while Gwen has begun to talk to a nearby rock, claiming that it's really called Wilson and is just a misunderstood puffskein, whatever the hell that is. We ran out of alcohol over 2 hours ago, am not sure whether Gwaine will last the night. Too soon to start planning celebrations? Gwen thinks so. Gwaine has run out of drinking songs and has moved onto nursery rhymes._

_God help us. God help us all._

* * *

"Come _on _Merlin, tell us!"

"I need to preserve some loyalty!" Merlin protested, despite the combined pleas of Mordred, Gwen and Gwaine while Leon looked on with interest. "_Yes_, I told you _my _big secret, but I can't just tell you everything I know, it's not even my secret to tell."

"Please!" Mordred begged "It's literally been the bane of existence since I first stepped foot in Camelot again, you've no idea how many times I've lain awake in bed wondering about it, and I know for a _fact _that you know the answer, so stop stalling!"

"But-"

"Merlin" Gwen said pleadingly "It's an important question, it's something we've all been wondering. Isn't it irresponsible for you _not _to tell us the answer if you know it. And don't try to deny the fact that you know it; you've more or less admitted it already."

Merlin turned despairingly to Leon, sole responsible Knight of Camelot. "Leon" he pleaded "Isn't there something in the Knight's code about peer pressure?"

"No" Leon said "And even if there was, I want to know the answer to this as much as the next person."

"Percival wouldn't-"

"Percival gave his life for you Merlin; the least you can do is honour his memory and tell us!"

"Percival isn't dead…"

Gwaine ignored him "It is your duty to Camelot, Merlin, to tell us. We need to know. We won't judge them differently because of it, so just _tell _us. If not for Camelot, then for the sake of humanity itself!"

Merlin sighed in exasperation "Gwaine…"

Seeing that his motivational speech wasn't affecting Merlin, Gwaine quickly changed track "Mordred, quick, give him the puppy eyes!"

"What? No! That's unfair Mordred!" Merlin exclaimed, as Mordred looked solemnly at Merlin, eyes round and glassy. Merlin crossed his arms and glared at them all, and Arthur smiled smugly. For once, they had all stopped picking on him to join forces and discover the secret that the whole of Camelot had been wondering over for the past few months, if not years. Merlin continued to glare at Mordred, who was still sending puppy eyes at Merlin.

"Why did I teach you how to do that?" Merlin complained, as Mordred continued to stare "Anyway, it's not going to work Mordred, I'm more or less immune-"

A single tear rolled down Mordred's face.

"Damn it!" Merlin shouted, turning away from Mordred and his annoyingly effective puppy eyes. "Leave me alone. Arthur, help!"

Arthur raised an eyebrow "because _you _helped me so much when everyone was calling me the 'oblivious prat' not five hours ago. Of course, I should _definitely _return the favour and help you… not." Arthur glared at Merlin "As your King, I demand that you tell us."

"But-"

"Merlin…"

"I'll give you a crate of Apples!"

"Pleeeeeee-"

"Just leave me alone!"

Come on!"

"-eeeeeee-"

"Gwaine, shut up!"

"Just one little secret!"

"-eeeeeee-"

"We won't tell anyone!"

"Merlin, we're your _friends_"

"-eeeeeee-"

"_Mer_lin!"

"-eeeeeeease!"

"FINE!" Merlin yelled, causing Gwaine to jump and drop his apple into the newly resurrected fire, where it burnt up with a soft 'phup' "YES, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, GAIUS CUT HIS HAIR LIKE THAT BECAUSE HE LOST A BET, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!"

Arthur smirked "Yes"

* * *

"So you went to the Dochraid."

"Yes"

"And asked her for information."

"Yes"

"And she gave it to you why?"

Merlin squirmed uncomfortably. "Normal weapons don't work on her, because she's basically a creature of the old religion, so I er… needed to… um"

"What did you do?" Arthur asked in a long-suffering voice.

"Imighthaveborrowedyoursword"

"And in English?"

"I sort of… borrowed your sword for a bit…" Merlin said in a rush, as if hoping if he said it quickly enough Arthur wouldn't actually understand the full implications of what he had said. However, Arthur understood every word. Perfectly.

"You _stole _my sword!" He said indignantly.

"You do know that he blamed _me _for hiding it?" Gwaine said, looking offended "he kept threatening to exile me!"

"You mean you've had the power to banish Gwaine all this time and you haven't done it yet?" Merlin said in astonishment.

"Don't try to change the subject" Arthur growled "You _stole _my sword. You'd better not have damaged it in any way at all."

"Ah" Merlin said reluctantly "I might have got some green pus-like substance on it, but I _think _cleaned most off, but it's still got a bit of a weird smell, but as long as you don't shove it up your nose…" he trailed off as he saw Arthur's expression, which was (if possible) madder than it was when he had revealed his magic.

Arthur glared at Merlin "I don't have any words strong enough to describe how I'm feeling right now."

"Gwaine has at least three"

"Mordred, you're not helping matters"

* * *

"So Arthur, do you have _any _relatives who didn't end up being evil?" Gwaine asked, poking a thumb at the (luckily and conveniently) still unconscious Morgana. "Because as far as I know, I can't think of anyone in your family that wasn't slightly insane and evil."

"Uther wasn't _that _evil…" Leon said thoughtfully "but he was a bit insane, especially when it came to sorcery."

"So they're all bonkers?"

"Gwaine!" Gwen said, poking Gwaine's arm "there's obviously someone who wasn't; it's not like Arthur's whole family is demented."

Gwen shook her head and turned to look at Arthur, her slightly incredulous look turning to one of uncertainty as Arthur looked away from Gwen "Your family isn't all evil, is it?"

"I think I had a second cousin once removed who wasn't" Arthur said, furrowing his eyebrows as he tried to remember. "Hang on, no… wait. He became a banker, didn't he?"

* * *

"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with 'unresolved plot point'"

"_Mer_lin, stop breaking the fourth wall"

* * *

"And so then, I took the sword from Gwen's house and made my way to the caverns that lie beneath Camelot, where Uther had locked the Great Dragon years before. I held the sword up to him, and Kilgarrah breathed on it with fire, giving it special properties, the most important of which being the ability to slay something that had already died. But Kilgarrah gave me a warning…" Merlin said dramatically, causing both Mordred and Gwaine to lean even further forward, so there was a very real possibility that Gwaine would fall forwards into the fire. But no such luck. "No-one but the Once and Future King should wield the sword. But the sword fell into the wrong person's hands, and the Dragon was… um… pissed off. He told me to place the sword where no man could wield it, and so I threw it into the lake of Avalon.

"Wouldn't it get rusty?"

"_Magical _sword in a _Magical _lake, Gwaine"

"Right, sorry."

"But a time came when the sword was needed again, and I used it against Morgana and Morgause's army in an effort to find and destroy the cup of life. The sword slammed into the cup of life, causing the blood inside to spill, and the soldiers to… to… um…"

"Self-destruct?"

"Disintegrate?"

"Be obliterated?"

"Go the way of the Dodo?"

"Not extinct, or even discovered yet Gwaine."

"Sorry again."

"Anyway… um… explode. And then I had to place it once again where no-one would find it, so I stuck it into a rock in the forest, to remain there until it was needed again."

Merlin finished his story. Arthur had to admit that Merlin was a very good story-teller even he (in his more than _slightly _pissed of mood) had been enraptured by the story. He looked at his sword, which he had been subconsciously cuddling like a pointy safety-blanket throughout most of 'Merlin's stories'. Day had finally given in to night, and Percival had reawakened, (swearing that he would never eat dairy products ever again), and then Gwaine had requested a story.

"Merlin…" Gwaine said slowly.

"What?" Merlin replied suspiciously.

"You have Dragons right?"

"Yes…"

"Could you possibly get them to breathe fire on this sword?"

"_Gwaine!_"

"Why not?"

"If you had a magical sword, we would never get you away from the magical sword" Percival said "You would carry the magical sword everywhere, poke everything you saw with the magical sword to see if it exploded or not, and you'd randomly stab people with the magical sword because you could. Not to mention the fact that you're barely trusted with a _normal _sword, let alone one which could kill the undead."

"Oh. That's why."

…

"Arthur, can I borrow your sword?"

"No."

* * *

"No Gwaine, Aithusa will _not _burnish your sword, whatever you try, stop tickling her! All you're going to do is get sneezed on and covered in Dragon snot."

Needless to say, Gwaine stopped ticking Aithusa not long after that.

* * *

"So Mordred, run this through me again?"

"_Fine,_ Gwaine" Mordred said, as if talking to a very slow, very obnoxious 4 year old. Or Gwaine, since the two were more or less synonymous.

"Ok, so _Mor_gana was quite evil, wasn't she? She invaded Camelot a lot, with those undead armies she was so fond of."

"Yes Gwaine, Morgana was 'quite evil'" Arthur said through gritted teeth. He was going to have to spend _another _night listening to Gwaine's questions. They'd barely made it through the last one in one piece.

"And _Mor_gause was evil too…"

"Yes"

"So shouldn't you be evil?"

"What?" Mordred said, losing whatever track he had of the conversation up to that point, which admittedly hadn't been that much.

"The 'Mor' curse" Gwaine said, in what he obviously thought was a wise voice "If you have the letters 'Mor' at the beginning of your name, you're evil. It's the law."

Arthur goggled at Gwaine in disbelief "Gwaine, how _stupid _can you get? No _don't _answer that!" He added hastily as Gwaine opened his mouth to respond "Names don't effect what people become!"

"That's what _you _think" Gwaine said, in a conspiratory whisper "But I knew someone whose surname was Baker, and _they _became a baker when they grew up."

Arthur gazed at Gwaine "You really are as stupid as you look, aren't you?"

"Thank you"

"Not a complement"

"Then screw you"

"How are you still alive Gwaine? I thought we had natural selection to deal with people like you!"

Gwaine just gazed at Arthur in confusion probably brought on by the alcohol Gwaine had all but blackmailed Merlin into making. Arthur shook his head and turned away from Gwaine, who had stopped talking and was instead staring intensely into the bottom of the bottle of whatever alcohol he had been drinking, as if wondering whether he could tap into previously undiscovered magical skills and make some more appear. Arthur shook his head.

To be honest, the gene pool needed more than a little chlorine.

* * *

"So, if I heard you right, you were told that you'd need Courage, Strength and Magic, and that you were Courage, and then a very strong looking Gwaine turned up and not for one second did you think 'Hmm, if I'm Courage and Gwaine's strength, then I wonder who on _earth _Magic could be… Hang on, maybe it's _Merlin_"

"Sarcasm doesn't suit you Mordred"

"Who even created those names? Have they ever _met _Gwaine? It's less Courage, Strength and Magic, and more Obliviousness, General Stupidity and/or Drunkenness and Magic-enabled Despair."

"Are you saying I'm oblivious?"

"Are you saying you're _not_?"

"I'm a hunter! I notice everything about everything! Ok, I'll admit that I probably should have noticed Merlin's magic a bit earlier on, but nobody _else _noticed, did they? Why do people insist on calling me oblivious just because I failed to notice _one thing _over the course of my life! And anyway, I bet I knew about it on a subconscious level – if Merlin tried to use his magic on _me,_ to attack, I'd notice. I'm _not _an idiot, and I'm _not _oblivious!"

"You do know Merlin turned your hair pink two hours ago?"

"He did _what_!?"


	5. -of a little Maturity

**Ok, first off I apologise for the delay. Basically, I will attempt to blame this on illness/exams/snow/forcing-my-brother-to-watch-Supernatural-non-stop-with-me, but I think we all know that it is just sheer laziness and procrastination. Whoops. Anyway, like periods, it's better late than never, right?**

**(Please don't kill me)**

* * *

"Change it back now"

"No"

"Personally, I think the colour suits you"

"Shut up Gwaine" Arthur growled, running his fingers through his (pink!) hair. Merlin was still snickering immaturely and refusing to turn it back to its normal (and if he did say so himself dashingly handsome) blonde colour. This was going as well as could be expected. Shite.

"The magenta _does _bring out the colour of your eyes"

"Merlin, you do know that I am currently in possession of a very sharp object"

"Not your brain then" Merlin quipped.

Arthur gritted his teeth and resisted the urge to stab said-sharp object into Merlin.

"Change. It. Back"

"Merlin, maybe you should" Leon said reluctantly "He's not going to stop asking, and I would like to get some sleep"

"It's _dawn!_"

"Yeah, but Arthur woke us all up when he pitched a hissy fit over his pink hair, didn't he?"

"I did _not _have a 'hissy fit'!" Arthur said with a scowl, which he directed at the smirking Gwaine "What if Merlin messed with _your _hair?"

Gwaine lifted his hands protectively towards his hair "It'd be the last thing he ever did" he answered without a trace of humour. Percival rolled his eyes from beside him while Mordred and Merlin made eye contact, Mordred sending Merlin a knowing smirk which Merlin returned with equal fervour, before they both turned to look at Gwaine, equally evil grins plastered on their faces.

'_Oh God' _Arthur thought wearily _'What are they planning? What if they do something to Gwaine's hair, and then Gwaine kills Mordred, and Merlin kills Gwaine, and __**then **__Leon and Percival try to avenge Gwaine. I bet that Gwen would guilt trip me into stopping the fight, and I'd end up getting caught in the middle of the crossfire and (after they accidentally manage to wake Morgana up, again) I accidentally get turned into a pumpkin or something. Crap, Merlin would call me a 'Plumpkin' all the time, and none of my normal clothes would fit – and can pumpkins even be in charge of a stable monarchy anyway? – and then Gaius would find out about it and __**kill **__him. Or make him into Sambar or something._

Gwaine's hair was capable of starting a civil war.

"Merlin" Gwen said from Arthur's side, cutting off his slightly hysterical vision of his near future "Gwaine _is _more than capable of murder"

Merlin shrugged noncommittally, the evil gleam in his and Mordred's eyes did not leave.

"So, will you change my hair back?"

"Nope"

"Merlin, if my hair is still pink in 5 seconds, I'm going to beat you to death with this stick of celery."

"Pretty sure that's impossible."

"Well we'll find out" Arthur replied with a glare "and even if it doesn't work, it'll be fun. 5…4…3…2-"

"Fine!" Merlin said hastily as Arthur reached towards the celery, eyes never breaking contact with his "I'll change it back. Keep that lethal weapon away from me!"

A few quick words and a flash of Golden eyes.

Merlin's eyes widened quite comically.

"What?" Arthur asked. No-one answered him, though Gwaine did seem close to laughter.

"_What?_" he asked again, turning to Gwen for an answer.

"Well… at least it's not pink anymore" she said tentatively.

"_Mer_lin. What. Did. You. _Do?!_" Arthur snarled, turning back to the soon-to-be-brutally-murdered-warlock. However, Merlin seemed to have vanished air, thin, fat or otherwise. That was probably a bad sign.

"What did he do?" Arthur asked.

The 5 others exchanged uncertain looks, before Percival eventually spoke up.

"Um… your hair…"

"What _about _my hair?"

"Well… there isn't any…"

"Wha-_**MERLIN!**_"

* * *

It took several of Arthur's more creative death threats for Merlin to finally turn visible again ("Give me my hair back Merlin, or I swear to God I'll shove it somewhere even the Once and bloody-Future King can't pull it out!"), and a further 15 more to get him to stop laughing manically at the sight of his bald head ("I _really _hope you brought money with you, because I'm pretty sure hell asks for rent in advance"). When Merlin had finally calmed down to the point where he could breathe again, it took a couple more to 'convince' Merlin it was in his best interests to un-baldify Arthur ("Do you _know _how stupid you're going to look with a knife permanently stuck in your arse?"

Even now, Arthur was still glaring at Merlin, wondering exactly why he had forgiven him for any of the other crap Merlin had done to him over the years.

'_Sometime, somewhere, Merlin must have done something that I'm legally allowed to kill him for' _Arthur thought _'Could I claim self-defence if I murdered him out of sheer irritation?'_

Sadly, the answer was probably no. Bloody red-tape.

He was being driven _up the wall _by the combined efforts of Merlin, Mordred and Gwaine.

Actually, no, if he _was _being driven up the wall, there would at least be a chance that he'd be driven so far up it that he'd eventually get to the top of the cliff and be able to run away as fast as humanly possible.

'_Kill me_' Arthur thought dully, as Gwaine pulled out what seemed to be a deck of cards _'Kill me now, before I beat Gwaine to death with the Ace of Clubs. Or maybe just a club. Either way is fine by me'_

"So" Gwaine said brightly "Who's up for strip poker?"

Arthur wondered what was a quicker mode of murder, poison or massive exsanguination.

* * *

"Merlin, can you turn people into pumpkins?"

"Um… no, Arthur"

"Thank goodness"

* * *

"Urrrggg…"

Once again, it was this sound that alerted Arthur to the fact that his evil half-sister-slash-nemesis-slash-magnet for unconsciousness was once again waking up. He wondered whether it was too much to hope for that another passing knight would conveniently fall off the cliff and knock her out while plummeting to their death. He wasn't sure if he could cope with having to deal with Morgana right now, on top of the events of the last two hours. He _never_ again wanted to see Gwaine's pe-

Well… let's just say that it had been a very stressful day.

_And _it was still morning.

He could practically feel his heart leaping for joy in his chest.

"Want me to deal with her?" Merlin asked absently, piling sand and rocks onto a sleeping Gwaine's head (Well, by _sleeping_, this author means 'violently-knocked-unconscious-by-Arthur-by-a-large-stick-of-celery-about-half-an-hour-ago-after-revealing-the-whole-McMeal-to-the-group-at-large', but hey! The two phrases were more or less synonymous, weren't they?)

Arthur opened his mouth to reply that, _No_, he _obviously _would _much _rather be monologued to death all over again, but a weird whooshing noise interrupted him before he could do anything more than sigh in exasperation.

WHOOOOO0OoooO00000o0oooo000o O0OoooS5S55H-**CRUNCH**

Arthur looked from the newly re-unconsciousified Morgana to the large bullfrog that had apparently created a small landslide before landing on Morgana's head, covering the ground around her with dust, dirt and bits of frog.

"Now this is just getting ridiculous…"

* * *

"I spy-"

"Gwaine, don't make me tie you up and gag you"

"Ooh, kinky"

"Before you make another sound, you should know that I will not _hesitate _to sacrifice you to the Sun God Ra"

* * *

"WHAT!?"

"So, I released the Great Dragon Kilgarrah from the vaults under Camelot, indirectly leading to the deaths of at least one hundred people, and you're angry over the fact that some girl kissed me!?"

"_Some girl?!_" Arthur repeated, glaring at Merlin (this was becoming such a regular occurrence that it would probably be easier to point out when Arthur _wasn't _glaring at Merlin). Right now, the glare had moved up from 'Please shut up before I shove this Octopus so far down your throat you'll be shitting Calamari for weeks', passing right by 'Good _God _Gwaine, if you say anything like that ever again, I'm going to take this celery, and-' and was currently residing just below 'Sadly, looks _can't _kill, so I'll have to beat you to death instead'.

"She wasn't married to you at this point!" Merlin pointed out hurriedly as Arthur's glare increased further, rising up to 'Do you want me to forcibly remove your reproductive organs from your body?'.

"Arthur, calm down" Gwen said soothingly "I just had a little crush on Merlin when he first came to Camelot, it's gone now, so stop glaring at him."

Arthur continued to glare at Merlin.

But to be honest, that wasn't particularly surprising.

"You had a crush… on _Merlin_" he said slowly "_How?_"

Gwen gave Arthur a disapproving look, which he had the sense to look mildly abashed over.

"It's just… Merlin flirting with _women? _Women flirting with _Merlin_?"

Merlin muttered something that sounded ominously like 'turn _you _into a woman'.

Arthur wisely decided to shut the hell up before he could be savagely separated from his man-vegetables.

* * *

"No, Arthur, _don't _try to think of a witty response to that, I don't want you to strain something."

"Are you incinerating that I'm not clever Merlin?"

"_Insinuating_"

"I meant to say that"

* * *

"Mordred, why the _hell _are you building a scale model of Camelot out of rotten tomatoes and celery?"

"Hmm? Oh, we ran out of carrots so I had to improvise and use celery instead"

"And _why _exactly are you building a scale model of Camelot out of vegetables?"

"Fruit"

"What did you say Leon?"

"Tomatoes are fruit, not vegetables."

"Yeah, but celery's a vegetable, so the point still stands, why the Lucifer-in-a-fire-and-brimstone-cage _hell_ is Mordred-"

"Hang on, I thought celery was a fruit!"

"No, it's a vegetable, it isn't sweet or juicy like fruit is"

"Yeah, Mordred's right, it's a vegetable"

"But it grows above ground… and… how can that… what… so…"

"I think you broke him Percival"

"How can anyone be that passionate over a type of fruit?"

"Vegetable"

Arthur sighed in exasperation as Leon began to argue why celery _was_ a fruit, while Merlin stared blankly into the fire with the air of a man who had realised that his whole life was a lie. Arthur repeated his earlier sigh of exasperation as Gwaine stopped all chances of an intelligent discussion by attempting to ram a stick of celery up Leon's nose. Fruit/vegetable/whatever it was, Leon didn't appreciate having it inserted into his nostril, and maturely retaliated by chucking a nearby jar at him, which promptly shattered, showering Gwaine with gherkins. Gwaine seemed to be in a pickle.

Or was covered with them…or whatever.

And Arthur _still _didn't know why there was a animal/vegetable/mineral replica of his castle standing in the corner.

* * *

Arthur was not glaring at Merlin.

Yes, this was now an important enough event in Arthur's life that not only did it require to be pointed out, but it also managed to earn itself its own separate paragraph, where it could rest, feeling smug about its choices in life. For a short little sentence doing nothing more than pointing out what Arthur actually _wasn't _doing, it had done remarkably well or itself, even gaining a little mini-paragraph afterwards celebrating its achievements in life. Maybe it'd even win the sentence-equivalent of an Oscar, perhaps nicking the one Leonardo Dicaprio really deserv- OK, I think we're getting bogged down by this metaphor – forget the fact that Arthur wasn't glaring. No, wait, that's the whole point I had that sentence, isn't it? Cock. Ok, I'll just start again, and we'll all pretend this lengthy paragraph didn't happen. Deal?

Deal.

Arthur was not glaring at Merlin.

He wasn't entirely sure _why _he wasn't glaring at Merlin at the moment, ad he was pretty sure that he _should _be glaring at Merlin for some reason, which would eventually come to him, given time. Maybe it was because Merlin had magic'd up several piles of Apples and Arthur was currently surrounded by about 40 apple cores and the remnants of what was once his dignity.

Though it was _probably_ Arthur's fault for eating 43 apples at once (43 apples that Merlin had _said _that he _couldn't _magic up when they were all starving to death, oddly enough), Arthur still felt that he could blame Merlin for his current situation.

He glared at Merlin.

"_Mer_lin" he whined "Your apples made me ill"

"You didn't have to eat them all"

"Gwaine dared me to"

"And of course you _had _to do what Gwaine told you to do, _didn't you_?"

"Well… yeah, actually"

Merlin gave him a 'you Knights are crazy' look, before returning to his conversation with Percival. Gwaine (a.k.a, the devil incarnate) gave Arthur an evil smile that made Arthur momentarily forget his apple-induced stomach ache. What was Gwaine planning to do-?

"I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with 'C'"

Fuck.

Urge to kill, rising. Expected Lundy 964 by 0700 tomorrow.

Oh wait, that was the shipping forecast.


	6. -of Merlin's Sobriety

**I'm sorry for the lack of an update. Basically, I suck. Also, I have decided to FINALLY WRITE ANOTHER CHAPTER OF PORCELAIN MASK (not that I think many people are reading it). Essentially, I am trying to not be a dead!fic writer. I'll get Porcelain Mask and this finished (I have no idea how long this'll be though) and THEN move on to new fics! Anyway, read on!**

**Extra-long chapter for an apology (also, my personal favourite chapter).**

**(Also, once again, sorry for sucking)**

A high pitched squeal tore through the relative quiet of the evening with all the masculinity of a ballerina soaring through the air with rainbows and pink and purple glitter shooting out of her arse. Arthur winced, wondering whether the screech had managed to take out most of the world's population of bats, before turning around to look for the source of the noise.

'_Please be a monster_' he prayed silently, to all and any Gods that would still listen to him _'I'm allowed to kill monsters, just don't let it be Merlin, or Mordred, or-'_

Gwaine.

Goddammit.

A very distressed looking Gwaine was standing over a nearby puddle, staring into it with the utmost horror, so much so, in fact, that Arthur quickly glanced into the puddle to make sure that it _wasn't _actually a monster of some sort.

No such luck though.

There was a stifled laugh from beside him, and Arthur turned back around to see Merlin and Mordred smirking at each other, sending occasional evil grins at Gwaine's back. Images of the possible consequences of whatever the hell they had done this time flashed through Arthur's head, a disturbing number including fire and explosions.

"Merlin" Gwen said slowly "What did you do?"

Gwaine seemed to busy staring in abject horror at his face (something Arthur did quite a lot) to explain whatever had happened, and so it was Mordred who finally complied and answered Gwen's question.

"Well, _we _thought that Gwaine's hair was getting a bit ridiculous" Mordred began, with the air of one discussing the weather instead of what was basically the largest part of Gwaine's personality (barring immaturity and general stupidity). "So we thought we'd" Mordred gestured at himself and Merlin "would help him out and give him a free haircut using magic while he slept"

"Oh God…" Leon moaned, bringing a hand up to his face in what was either horror or exasperation (it was kind of hard to tell with the hand in the way).

Arthur mentally seconded those two words and added on one of his own that began with the letter 'f' and rhymed with 'duck'.

Looking closer at the back of Gwaine's head (who had stopped staring at the puddle, and was now glaring at Merlin with a glint of what was probably murder in his eyes). Arthur had to supress a snort of laughter (he wasn't suicidal; _he _wasn't going to laugh at Gwaine's _hair_. Much.), as the large majority of his chestnut waves, or waterfalls of purest brown, or whatever the hell Gwaine was declaring his hair as this week had been almost sheared off at the front, replaced instead with a haircut even a mildly unattractive hedgehog would find difficult to like, despite the resemblance.

Gwaine continued to glare at Merlin and Mordred, and without speaking a single word (Hey! Every cloud has a silver lining!), the smirks on both of their faces died quicker than Mitt Romney's dreams on election night, as if _for once, _they'd finally grasped what they had done.

Gwaine took a step forward.

"Ah" Merlin said, as Mordred backed away rapidly "I might not have thought this through…"

* * *

This was not good.

Gwaine was _not _killing Merlin and Mordred.

Now on a normal day, Arthur would say that this was probably a _good _thing (depending, of course, on how irritating Merlin had been during the day in question).

But this…

Gwaine was sitting in the corner, quietly talking to Merlin (Mordred had wisely run away before Gwaine could get too close, expecting (as Arthur had) to be murdered instead of _talked to_), whose grin just kept growing larger and larger with each passing second. Some small, sensible part of Arthur's brain wondered whether he should step in to stop this – whatever _this _actually was – but the much larger, lazier part of his brain just continued to stare with increasing trepidation at the 2 of the Musketeers of Doom and Destruction (the third still probably hiding somewhere).

It was like when you accidentally brushed against a pencil while working, and the pencil slowly begins to roll towards the edge of the table, and you _know _that you should probably just _reach out _and grab the pencil before it moffats off the desk and you have to expend much more effort to get it back again, but you're just _too lazy_, and you watch that pencil edge ever nearer to the edge, as a vague sense of alarm begins to fill you.

Merlin nodded once, and quicker than you could say 'Can we panic now?', Gwaine's hair had returned to its normal, lustrous, state.

That looked suspiciously like a deal being made to Arthur.

Arthur supposed that the pencil had just fallen off the desk with a large 'clatter', before rolling so far away from the desk that it had managed to fall into the deep depths of hell itself.

* * *

The next game of I-Spy that was initiated (this time by a bored looking Percival) was quickly (and rather violently, truth be told) interrupted by Arthur, who had thrown a stick of celery so hard at Percival that, owing to missing his head, had shot straight into the air, just past Aithusa, taking out a passing seagull with an indignant squawk that almost rivalled Gwaine's earlier shriek in pitch and loudness. Arthur was just beginning to wonder whether it would be an abuse of his power if he declared I-Spy to be punishable by a slow and painful death when he heard the sound of running water, along with the sound of liquid being drunk in large quantities. The sense of general doom and despair that usually heralded the arrival of Gwaine suddenly started to spike, and Arthur looked up, speculating as to whether Mordred had managed to explode Leon or something.

Again.

Oh, _bollocks_.

Merlin had alcohol.

_Merlin _had alcohol.

Arthur's eyes slid from the slightly chipped mug Merlin was holding to the large crates behind him.

Merlin had _large _quantities of alcohol.

Double bollocks.

Merlin gave another burp, and the indignant seagull from earlier started to swell like a balloon, small and beady eyes bulging in surprise and irritation, as it tried to use wings (that now resembled overstuffed pillows) to fly away. It had only risen about 6 or 7 feet into the air when it gave one last, desperate squawk, before exploding in a shower of feathers with the force of a small bomb.

Arthur's glare only increased as a bit of seagull gut splattered onto his nose, though Merlin only seemed mildly amused by it (and Gwen gave a small giggle too). Gwaine poured some more of the liquid into Merlin's mug, grinning widely at Arthur.

He was going to _kill_ Gwaine.

* * *

"This is _your _fault Gwaine, it's _always _your fault!"

"That's not fair! He wouldn't have returned my hair to normal unless I gave it to him! What was I supposed to do? Go around looking like a reject from the porcupine species for the rest of my life?"

"That would just be an added bonus."

Unsurprisingly, mixing magic and booze did not end well for any parties involved. Although at first everyone (except Arthur, and to a lesser extent, Leon) had found Merlin's drunken magic usage (and occasional seagull splattering) moderately hilarious, that had ended the moment that Merlin had accidentally (they assumed, though his grin while he had done it had said otherwise) set fire to the remains of the seagull. Shockingly, the smell of roasted bird carcass was far from alluring, and the general level of amusement of their group had gone down as fast as the offer of a bacon sarnie at a bar mitzvah.

"I don't see what you're complaining about" Gwaine said, stretching "Merlin looks quite happy to me"

Arthur sighed in exasperation. Seriously, just because something made you happy when you were drunk did _not _mean it was a good thing to do. He was pretty sure that going on a swing while drunk might actually be quite fun, but he was equally sure that it probably wasn't that much of a good idea to go on one while drunk (How likely was it that a drunken swinging session would end with broken bones, blood and/or fire? Probably all three if he was being especially pessimistic).

Gwaine however, didn't seem to grope this relatively simple concept.

"Look Gwaine" Arthur began "Imagine that you're on a swing, and-"

"Shhhhhhh"

"_What,_Gwaine?"

"Don't interrupt, I'm on a swing"

Arthur stared in utter disbelief as Gwaine closed his eyes, swaying backwards and forwards slightly with a blissful look on his face. Arthur raised his eyebrows in exasperation and irritation.

"Gwaine, why don't you go stargazing in some cave or something?"

"Ok"

* * *

Somewhere in the deepest and dunnest part of the universe, deep underground in the pit of fire and screaming, just left of the lake of eternal torment and a couple of blocks down from the river of pained souls (and if you looked closely, you could just about make out the pencil from earlier bobbing up and down in the brimstones like some satanic rubber duck), a demon must have just looked around, turned to its fellow agent of evil, and asked "Is it just me, or is it a bit nippy down here?"

Because Hell sure as hell was freezing over.

Absolutely nothing had happened.

For over 6 hours, no arguments, no games of I-fricking-Spy, no fire, and even no lethal stabbings with fruit/vegetables.

Arthur gazed cautiously at Merlin, who was making huge blue bubbles rise high up into the sky, where they would hang for a few seconds like slightly transparent moons until they popped. Gwen and Mordred were playing hangman in the dirt, as Leon and Percival were arm wrestling (unsurprisingly, Percival kept winning.) Was it too much to hope that the rest of the evening would remain this peaceful? The previous couple of times, these moments of calm had simply turned out to be refuelling stops for the madness of their lives, before it returned greater and more powerful than ever before. Maybe this time it would stay calm. Arthur thought their relative peace was probably due to Gwaine having wandered off to God only knows where.

Of _course_, it was all too good to last.

And so, the quiet of the dusk was broken.

And absolutely _no-one _was surprised at this.

And _of-freaking-course_, it was Merlin who did the disrupting.

Everyone was even _less _surprised at this.

Merlin had stopped making bubbles, and was instead gazing pensively at a large and fat insect (that reminded Arthur inexplicably of Gaius for some reason) sitting on a rock, looking nervously up at the (drunk) greatest warlock the world had ever seen.

"Do ants ever get sad that they're ants?" Merlin asked.

Arthur groaned.

Was it too late to choose homicide over suicide?

* * *

It turned out that when Merlin got drunk, not only did he have the tendency to explode passing bids, he also liked to ask 'the important questions in life'. However what Merlin called 'the important questions in life' were what Arthur called 'what the hell is wrong with you?' questions. Sometime between being asked if fruit screamed in pain when you ate it (but beyond your range of hearing), and being asked what would happen if hair bled when cut, Arthur had begun to give up what little hope for humanity he had left (which wasn't very much, admittedly).

"And _why _is it that the evil witches keep attacking Camelot?" Merlin asked as Arthur wondered whether poison worked faster than asphyxiation "I mean, haven't they noticed that it _never works_? Or maybe they're all masochistic and enjoy being exploded occasionally… Also, I think they're getting worse and worse at attacking. That said, Morgana was definitely the worst. She actually managed to take over Camelot, even if it was only for a short bit of time…"

There was an odd 'schwlop' sound and Percival gave a yelp and leapt off the rock he was sitting on as if it had suddenly burst into flames. Which it actually had.

Merlin hadn't seemed to notice.

"…then there was Nimueh. She managed to poison me that one time, but that was probably the furthest she got, before I managed to explode her at least-"

Feeling faintly alarmed that Merlin had the ability to explode people as well as seagulls, Arthur and the others shuffled away slightly (similar to that awkward movement everyone makes when someone farts but you don't want to tell them that they've created a fart that reeks so much you begin to wonder whether the fart maker hasn't actually _died_, and has begun rotting for the last couple of days).

"-then there was that incident with Sofia as well, but that wasn't really much of an _invasion_, per sae."

"Sofia?" Leon asked, frowning slightly as he tried to remember the woman Arthur had been about to elope with (Arthur gave an involuntary shudder at the memory). "What happened to Sofia in the end?"

"NOTHING YOU CAN PROVE!"

* * *

"What if you _are the butter?_"

"What"

"WHAT THEN?!"

"What"

"WHAT IF EVERYONE IS BUTTER!? I'M JUST AN EMPTY TUB OF MARGARINE IN A SEA OF BUTTER!"

"What"

"WHAT IF SOMEONE _SPREADS YOU ON __**TOAST?!**_"

"You know what? I give up."

* * *

Making a mental note to find a spell to raise the dead so he could kill Gwaine over and over again (as soon as he reappeared again), Arthur continued to listen to Merlin's blabbering. Mordred _still _seemed to find the whole situation quite amusing, and after being forbidden from drinking by Leon, he had decided to just settle down and watch Merlin rambling. However, sometime after the inexplicable butter rant, it seemed that Leon had just given up trying to keep everyone sensible and had gone to sleep, muttering about how he wasn't paid to babysit as well as quest. He was quickly followed by Gwen, while Mordred had kept awake (probably to watch Arthur suffer).

"Why do strangers keep attacking you Arthur? Did you do something to piss off all the strangers on the planet?" Merlin asked, pointing at him with a stick of celery, a serious expression on his face.

"I don't know why strangers seem to hate me" Arthur replied exasperatedly "Maybe it's because the universe has collectively decided that I should be punished for some reason which I am yet to be informed of."

"Do you know any strangers, Arthur?"

"AWasfxdDd35DADfbgh"

"What?"

* * *

"Hey Arthur, why can't you get gloves for your head?"

* * *

"Hey Arthur, if someone accidentally killed you while trying to stop you from committing suicide, would your death be suicide or not?"

* * *

"Hey Arthur, why does 12am come before 11am?"

* * *

"Oh wait, hats. Huh."

* * *

"Hey Arthur, is it still murder if you resurrect the person afterwards?"

* * *

"Hey Arthur, why is it AN hour, not A hour?"

* * *

"And while we're on the subject, why is it A unicycle not AN unicycle?"

* * *

"What is a unicycle anyway? How do they work?"

* * *

"Hey Arthur, why is it a pair of trousers when there's only one set?"

* * *

"Hey Arthur, how come 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing?"

* * *

"Hey Arthur, why don't sheep shrink when it rains?"

* * *

"Hey Arthur, why are you getting your sword out?"

* * *

Arthur hadn't signed up for this.

When he was first told that he was going to be King of Camelot, he knew it wasn't going to be all smiles and roses. He was willing to die for Camelot, and he knew that it was likely that he'd be hurt badly at some point, but _this?!_

If Merlin said 'Hey Arthur' one more time, Arthur was going to kill someone.

He needed some time alone.

He pushed himself up into a sitting position (instead of the lying down wishing for death position he had adopted earlier), trying hard not to look at Merlin (he was _this close _to exploding in a ball of irritation and rage.)

"Trying to leave?" Mordred said, grinning lazily. Mordred had seemed immune to the physical incarnation of irritation that was Merlin, and had even _enjoyed _it somehow (despite the exasperated looks Percival kept sending him) "Can I come too?"

"No"

"Oh come on!" Mordred said "You can't just walk off without us!"

"Watch me"

Arthur stood up.

"The Blond Knight rises" Mordred muttered, before pushing himself into a standing position too.

"The Dark Knight ris-"

"Percival, _please shut up_."

"Come on Arthur" Mordred said in what he clearly thought was a coaxing tone "I won't annoy you _that _much."

"That much" Arthur said in disbelief "_That much! _All you've _done _since I fell of that bloody cliff is annoy me! You _and _Gwaine! And let's _not _get onto how Merlin seems to be attempting to drive me into insanity. Or actually, _let's! _First, it was the fat jokes, then it was messing with my hair, and now the stupid questions. AND THAT'S NOT EVEN INCLUDING THE FUCKING I-SPY! FOR THE LAST _HOUR_, IT'S BEEN 'HEY ARTHUR' THIS, OR 'WHAT IF' THAT, AND YOU KNOW WHAT, **I PHYSICALLY CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE! **I DON'T _KNOW_ WHY TREES DON'T HAVE TAILS, OR WHY FRICKING SOCKS DON'T HAVE INDIVIDUAL HOLES FOR EACH TOE! AND YOU KNOW WHAT? **WHEN WE **_**FINALLY **_**GET BACK TO CAMELOT, I'M GOING TO BLOW THIS FRICKING CLIFF TO KINGDOM COME! **SO PLEASE JUST **GO AWAY**, AND LET ME HAVE _**ONE FRICKING MOMENT **_OF **PEACE! PLEASE, I JUST WANT **_**ONE MOMENT OF PEACE **_**WHERE I'M NOT IN DANGER OF EXPLODING OR LOSING MY HAIR! **_**PLEASE!**_"

There was one glorious moment of silence.

"I spy-"

There was an inhumane scream as Arthur launched himself at Merlin, who looked appropriately scared for about a second, before apparently remembering that he was a _sorcerer_ and vanishing with a 'pop'. Arthur flew into the wall of the cliff, and jumped up quickly, heart pumping fast, looking around for Merlin. He spotted him about 6 feet away, and dove at him again. Merlin tried to run, before tripping (apparently running while drunk was not a good idea. As with swinging). As Arthur flew through the air, he was stopped by Gwen making a grab for his legs (she had woken up after all the shouting). Unsurprisingly, this did nothing except knock Arthur off course, sending him straight into a sleepy Leon who had just awoken. The congealed mass of people that was Gwen, Arthur and Leon landed with a THUMP onto Percival, who was sitting the other side of the rock to Mordred, sending Mordred shooting upwards like a seesaw. Mordred flew a good 6 feet straight up (and about 10 feet left). Luckily, his fall was softened by Merlin, who had seemed to be trying to run away from the chaos. With a shrill screech, Aithusa joined into the fray. Yes, fire _always _helped matters.

Just a few feet away from the writhing group of people, Gwaine walked in, whistling absently.

"Hey, you know that you can't actually stargaze from inside a cave anywa-_**WHOA!**_"


End file.
